Suddenly, I realized...
that I've lost my gut and innate vigorousness along the way,
not because I desired to follow the narrow path that Jesus walked,
but just to get along with this new community which I call devoted Christians,
to be accepted
and gain respect which I had never been able to cherish in the secular party.
I could say about myself that I acted gutsy and vigorously in my early years because it is the attitude that secular people like and respect. And, then, as the new chapter of my life began, I gradually picked up these characteristics of peace-making, kindness, integrity, and so on.
Now, let's be honest with myself here.
Who am I?
What am I really like?
I'm not kind.
I'm sharp tempered and sensitive.
I love peace but hate peace-making.
I value integrity but I lack.
It's time to get down to earth,
work from there and up.
For the right reason and purpose this time.
After all this talk and thought,
what I need is God's forgiveness and acceptance.
Needing to hear "I already loved you for who you are."